What's in the box?

Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get.
Forrest Gump

There's a box in my office. It's been left on my chair. I can see it from my web cam. It looks like it's from HP. I have no idea what it is.

I wonder what it could be. I won't be in the office until Friday or next week. In my mine I'm accumulating book and movie references with boxes....

• Forrest Gump - as quoted above.
• Se7en - you knew what was in that box.
• Pulp Fiction - Briefcase instead of a box, but close.
• Spook Country (by William Gibson) - just finished that, and it has a box.

There's got to be more....

Update: Turns out the box wasn't addressed to me! I'll never know what's in it!

You've still got mail

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Johnny Carson

It would seem I haven't been checking my office mailbox as often as I should. I learned this yesterday when its contents were brought to my office. Amongst the junk mail was this:

Yes, the date in the picture is accurate. No, the card did not arrive extra early. I haven't checked my mailbox in almost a year.

In the future

Exterminate!
Dalek

In the future, advances in nanotechnology will create tiny robots that fly around my house and kill all those frickin' moths.

We will be unprepared for the long term consequences of this technology.

Eventually they will become a threat to humankind.

It will still be worth it.

Blenderific!

Me: They're not. No way
Friend: Way. Way way.

A friend sent a link to this:

There is a "Will it Blend" website with many more videos, including one with a can of EZ Cheese. The site was created by Blendtec to show off their blender. Now that's advertising!

What was that?

Sultan: What about the virgins?
Horatio Jackson: Sultan, forget about the virgins! We're out of virgins!
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen

What made me think of this was a conference call I was on today, where I said the following:

So the first thing we need to do is solve the virgin entry problem.

I'll let y'all know when we figure that one out....

This is my wife...

They're pissin' me off. Friggin' wolves. Should've known better than to adopt wolves.
Sharon

This is my wife on Zoo Tycoon.

I guess I know which animal spirit she's not.

When you don't know the answer...

Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck."
Miles (Curtis Armstrong)
Risky Business

Someone forwarded these to me - the appear to be a collection of funny test answers. I have no idea if their for real, but I got a real kick out of them.

Clearly each of ehese answers represent a person giving up. This first one just comes out and says as much:

These next two just went the wacky non-sequiter route:

Then there's the idea that if you follow the instructions, no matter how you follow them, you must be right.

I love the found x. Heck, that was easy!
And finally, like Kirk with the Kobayashi Maru, if don't know the solution, change the problem.

Well of course. There's an elephant in the way. I'll have to remember that one.

I am Carl Spackler

In this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong.
Carl Spackler (Bill Murray)
Caddyshack

Rodents beware! You will find no pity here! A pox on you all!

Let's just say that squirrels and mice are majorly on my shitlist.

Flight or invisibility

Invisible Boy: I'm invisible. Can you see me?
Rest of Mystery Men: YES.
Mystery Men

Superman superman
I want to fly like superman
Superman superman
Wish I could fly like superman
The Kinks

Yesterday I was listenning again to a classic This American Life episode entitled Superpowers. Act One features John Hodgman asking a bunch of people which superpower they would like to have: flight or invisibility. He finds that this is one of those questions that offers insight into the kind of person you are. He also found it to be a great conversation item for parties.

He set ground rules for each ability, as follows:

• Flight: At will you can fly within Earth's atmosphere with a maximum velocity of 1000MPH.
• Invisibility: You and your clothes become invisible at will. Items you pick up stay visible.

I'm on the fence, leaning toward invisibility. Which would you choose, and why?

P.S. The episode also includes an interview with Jonathan Morris, editor of the website Gone & Forgotten, an archive of failed comic book characters with Morris' commentary. His articles are funny stuff.

Morning buzzkill

The dream is always the same.
Joel
Risky Business

I awoke on my own. I looked at the clock, and it was 10:05 AM. "We overslept!" I shouted, "It's already after 10!" My wife's groggy reply was unintelligible as rushed downstairs to grab my cell phone - I was supposed to be on a conference call for work. As I fumbled through my bag, I noticed that it was still dark out. I looked at one of the clocks downstairs. It was 3:47 AM! Relieved, I headed back to bed, reassuring my wife that we weren't late and the bedroom clock got changed somehow, maybe the cat. I pulled up the covers and settled into the pillow, looking forward to another two hours of sleep....

That was when the alarm went off, and I awoke for real.

Go to Cockeyed.com. Now!

Throughout the ages, man has pondered the question, "How much is inside?"
Cockeyed.com

If you never have, you need to visit Cockeyed.com. Just go there. If you need some extra incentive, check 0ut their "How Much Is Inside" section. It will answer the time honored questions like "How much gold is there in Goldschlager?" and "Are Planter's Mixed Nuts really less than 50% peanuts?" and much much more.

SuitSat!

Without your space helmet, Dave, you're going to find that rather difficult.
HAL 9000

As I type this, the ISS crew is about to push an old Russian space suit out the door. The worn-out Orlan spacesuit is outfitted with radio equipment, turning it into a makeshift satellite. SuitSat, as it's been dubbed, will broadcast a signal on FM frequency 145.990 MHz that HAM radios and police scanners can pick up on earth. You can read about it here and track its position here.

Here is one more story about the suit, and it notes that this dumping old suits is old hat for the Russians. Apparently MIR cosmonauts would entertain guest with a movie of one such suit which was posed with its arm waving as is floated away, just like countless sci-fi movies.

Do you sometimes get the feeling the Russians are having just a little more fun up there?

Update: It's away!

Good fortune

Every man is the architect of his own fortune.
Sallust

You're no doubt aware of the simple game people often play with the fortunes received in fortune cookies. You append two words to find humor and innuendo.

Well, I had Chinese for lunch today, and this is what I got in the cookie:

I'm just saying....

The New Year is coming

Just say, "Happy New Year" so your blog isn't dead.
Sharon GR

Happy New Year!

There is no "Joy"

But what part is the joy?
My oldest

This morning we were discussing candy, as Halloween is approaching and there will be a large influx. My daughter asked this question about Almond Joy.

Good question. The answer? There is none. Almond Joy sucks. It's the second worst candy bar in the world. I mean, come on, what does it have to offer? Aside from the almond, what does it have? A thin layer of chocolate that is sub-par at best. Under that, a big glob of shredded coconut whose consistency makes you wonder if you're supposed to eat it or put it between your cheek and gum like chaw. Bleah!

Who on earth came up with that? The only good thing is the almond, which is why it's the second worst candy bar. The same culinary sado-masochists who came up with Almond Joy also created Mounds, a candy bar devoid of any redeeming quality at all.

The Maxwell Edison Story

It's a fun song, but it's kinda sick because Maxwell keeps on killing everyone.
George Harrison
If it's good enough to take to your psychiatrist, it's good enough to make a song of.
Paul McCartney

I quoted The Beatles song "Maxell's Silver Hammer" in my post about Delay. I got a comment I initially thought was just more blog-spam. It turned out to be someone who'd made a Flash animation video of the song.

It's good - check it out (but not with kids around).

Update: It turns out dave decay posted the link. Thanks!

Humor in motion

That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.
Captain Kirk

In a recent post I linked to a stick figure animation of Fatboy Slim's "Weapon of Choice" video. I started poking around that site, looking at the other animations. Nothing is nearly as complex, but there are a bunch of really cool animated GIFs. Here are some of my favorites (links all open in the same window):

• In this, a tiny bit of animation makes all the difference in.
• A bunch of the animations are simply moving eyes, winks, etc., so I wasn't expecting this one.
• This I just love.
• But this is my favorite. (It also explains the quote on this post.)

Enjoy.

Nice what?

You can't always tell a book by its cover
Old adage

Likewise, you can't always tell a web site by its domain name. Case in point:

http://web.archive.org/web/20021207085002/www.nice-tits.org/pics.html

Go on, check it out. Thanks to Snopes for this one.

Update: I'm two-for-two on posting screw-ups. The site should end in ".org" not ".com" as it did earlier.

What's so funny?

I know, everybody funny, now you funny too
George Thorogood

I just took this 3-D humor test. Check it out, it's fun. (Thanks to Jeri for the link). Here is my result:

(73% dark, 17% spontaneous, 33% vulgar)
your humor style:
CLEAN COMPLEX DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

Who's knocking on the door?

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it.
William Gibson

The latest way I've found to waste time is look through the statitistics of who's visiting my blog. If you're going for that comment link to tell me how you've been collecting stats for years, etc., etc., and I'm so behind the curve, I know already, so save it.

Lucky for me, there aren't a ton of visitors (Unlike the wildly popular Center of NJ Life.)There are a few, though, and my favorites are the search queries. It's nice to know that I'm not the only guy on the Internet interested in GE's hybrid locomotive ("ge hybrid locomotive regenerative") and the "maryland house rest area".

But my all time favorite is "pimped out chevy cavalier", for which I am the number one item on Google. See for yourself....

Update: I'm no longer number one! How did that happen? I wonder if this blog entry has, in some way, tipped the scale?